Saturday, Feb. 12 was the 17th anniversary of my abortion. Elizabeth would have been born in August 1994. Seriously, my life was so bad at that time I don’t think I would still be alive if I’d had her. The only reason why I know her name is because when a city bus ran a red light into my car in 2003 I had a near-death experience and I met her! I had never heard of that before! Having had the benefit of the NDE and the life review, I can see that there was more help available to me than I thought there was at that time but I will never know if I would have survived or not. I barely made it through those years, I am barely making it now. My son is 23 now, he was 6 at the time. He definitely thinks I did the right thing, that I would not have survived and he wouldn’t have made it as intact as he is. My life is a long, sad story. I want to make it happier. I think it is remarkable that there really was a soul that wanted to pass through me but was unable to and that she went back to where we all come from peacefully, with no pain, and that she loves me yet. Many cruel, judgmental people would have me burn in hell for committing murder. For one thing, I was already living in hell on Earth which is why I had to have the abortion. For another thing, the very people who yelled in my face "don't kill your baby, we'll help you!" are the very same people who had already condemned me to the burning shame I was trying to raise my living child in! Those people do NOT want to help "sinful" single mothers. The welfare ghetto is punishment for having sex, I was told by the people who convinced me to have the child I was already raising.
I try to point out that even at the advanced stage of pregnancy that I was at, had she been born right then she would not have been able to live.
She would not have been given a social security number, maybe not even a name. No funeral or anything. It would be the same as miscarriage, simply bloody tissue to be disposed of and many tears to shed. I personally think that it is not an easy line to draw, even medically, at what stage an unborn is “viable” but once they are then certainly it would be morally if not legally wrong to abort them.
Before all this I grew up adamantly against abortion for any reason. Once I’d had my son and experienced the rejection and ostracism and exile of a life as a welfare mother I leaned slightly toward “choice”. It was only when I was in that most desperate of dire conditions that I convinced myself to do the unthinkable and even then I literally screamed bloody murder. It didn’t hurt, they gave me intravenous sedative. What made me scream was trying to change my mind while in the surgeon’s chair and they wouldn’t stop.
Later, an angry relative of a little 12-year-old black child brought her back to the recovery room where I was bleeding heavily and delirious. She demanded that I tell the little girl that abortion didn’t hurt and that she should follow through with hers. She was just a little girl. I smiled weakly and told her that it didn’t hurt, I was just scared. I told her that what did hurt was pregnancy, labor and delivery and everybody hating you for having a baby with no money and no father. I advised her to get the abortion.
This issue is complex. It really is about women’s freedom. It is about the fact that we as a people still perpetrate shame and stigma on a variety of women for myriad social deviances. No woman escapes scrutiny and judgment. No choice is made solely by one individual. We live in community. Abortion is a social problem because unwanted pregnancy is a social problem. It is a medical problem. It is a legal problem. It is a moral problem but not nearly so immoral as the fact that society punishes women for being sexual, for having children alone, or for choosing not to have children. Birth control is imperfect and almost solely up to the woman. Research into effective male birth control is not a priority because controlling male sexual behavior is not apriority.
We live in a world where women’s sex appeal is used to sell everything from diamonds to donuts and girls and boys are conditioned to believe that women’s power lies primarily in her sexual attractiveness. We rush to regulate women and do everything possible to avoid holding men accountable for sexuality. Male supremacy, patriarchy, is the root of many social ills including abortion. Until other choices are made better available to women the need for abortion will continue. If you don’t want abortions to be legal, make a world where they are unnecessary.
If you can’t help a single mother or a woman faced with unplanned pregnancy, you can at least get off her back. The best thing you can do for everyone in every situation is love.
The things I remember about Elizabeth from my visit with her on "the other side" is that she really wanted me to live. I, like every other NDEr I've ever met, did not want to leave the love and peace of this existence I was experiencing with her. She told me there were beautiful things on Earth and that she liked blue butterflies the best. Then she blew me a kiss. I love you, Elizabeth.
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